19 JUNE 2023 WorldWide Drilling Resource® The Un-Comfort Zone II by Robert Evans Wilson, Jr. Self-Confidence vs. Self-Esteem When I tell people I’m introverted, they don’t believe me. They’ve seen me comfortably giving speeches to hundreds or thousands of people at a time, or they’ve seen me as the front man leading large groups of people and organizations. They’ve seen my visible selfconfidence; what they can’t see is my invisible self-esteem. For a long time, I thought self-confidence and self-esteem were the same thing, but they’re not; they’re radically different. Self-confidence is about how well you can control certain aspects of your life. Self-esteem is about self-love and how you value yourself. Confidence comes from the Latin word fidere which means “to trust;” in other words, self-confidence means we trust our knowledge, skills, and abilities. Esteem comes from the Latin word aestimare which means “to appraise, value, rate, weigh, or estimate”; in other words, self-esteem is how we appraise or value our self-worth. When I came to understand the difference between the two, I realized it wasn’t a lack of confidence which made me an introvert; it was low self-esteem. I wondered how I became an introvert, so I started mentally backtracking through my life. I recalled how I didn’t know how to make friends on my own. Gary, who became my first best friend back in third grade: how he initiated first contact, started the first conversation, continued making contact, then suggested a transition activity which moved our relationship to the next level: friendship. Gary had social skills and courage I did not have. It wouldn't be until adulthood that I learned the simple lessons Gary knew as a young boy. Thinking further back, I remembered as a young child all my friends were friendships arranged by my parents and usually with the children of their friends. There were also friends by proximity - neighbors with children my age and gender - again initially arranged by my parents. I enjoyed playing with the twin boys who lived next door, and with the little girl who lived across the street. We were all the same age, but every now and then one or more of the older kids on the block would join us, and I would get bullied. I was also regularly bullied by older kids my first four years in elementary school. I was even bullied at church by older kids. It seemed wherever I went, I was bullied. It was as if I was walking around with a “Kick Me” sign taped to my back. Of course, I was wearing a sign, only it was the expression of low self-esteem on my face. Bullies could see it a mile away, and I had no idea how to stop it. So I isolated myself. It was safer to stay home and play in my yard or in my bedroom with my toy soldiers, cars, Lincoln logs, plastic models, and glue. I also read. Once I discovered novels, I lived vicariously through the characters and never needed to go anywhere. The worlds of my books were exciting, interesting, and less threatening than what I might encounter in my neighborhood. I would stay in my room and read until my mother called me for dinner. Why did I have low self-esteem? Why was I bullied so often? Because I was bullied first by my mother. Mother was narcissistic, and likely an alcoholic. Her behavior was volatile, erratic, and completely unpredictable to my child brain. Several of my friends told me (years later when we were adults) that when they came over to my house, they were always nervous as to who they would encounter: the “Nice Mrs. Wilson” or the “Scary Mrs. Wilson.” She was very emotional and would easily get her feelings hurt. She was also manipulative, and when she didn’t get her way, she made everyone around her miserable until she did. My father, who should have been protecting us from Mother’s wrath, was too busy trying to satisfy her needs to be aware of ours. Mother was not nurturing, and taking care of children (or anyone else) stressed her out; once my sister and I were old enough to fend for ourselves, and the pressure of parenting was gone, Mother became much more pleasant to be around. In brief, I had low self-esteem because I grew up in an unstable home. That’s why I stayed in my room, or outside in the yard, until dinnertime because it was where I felt safest. Loving, caring parents nurture and encourage self-esteem in their children. They support and praise their children as they grow and learn. They raise them to believe the world is a good place - a safe place. When those children become adults, they will intuitively create a support group with people just like their parents who will help them preserve the positive environment they know best, and to maintain their high self-esteem. When I became an adult, I envied people who grew up in a stable, loving home environment. I could see the difference it made in their lives, and how much easier success came to them. Increasing your self-confidence is pretty clear cut, but improving your self-esteem can be quite complicated. If you want to be more self-confident, work on developing an expertise in some area. When you can speak with authority on a subject, or perform a skill with equanimity, self-confidence will follow. If you want to increase your self-esteem - and it’s never too late - it will be more challenging, and may require assistance from a mental health professional. I’m now learning how to re-parent my inner child, so I can heal the wounding which has limited me in nearly every area of my life. I’m recalling the times when my mother hurt me or scared me, then revisiting those memories as an adult who will love, protect, and properly parent my vulnerable child-self in those moments. In the meantime, I’m also learning to stop comparing myself to others - that I don’t need to be perfect or know everything; it’s okay to make mistakes; that I don't need approval from others; it’s okay to put away my personas and be my authentic self. And, I’m learning to be resilient and more accepting of uncertainty and change. It’s a difficult journey, but I highly recommend it. Robert Contact him via e-mail to michele@worldwidedrillingresource.com DON’T TURN THIS PAGE
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